Posts Tagged ‘President’

Dear Mr. Trump

Posted: April 21, 2017 in News, Politics, Stupidity
Tags: , , , ,

This is your chance to prove to everyone that businessmen are not scum-of-the-Earth evil masterminds who wring their hands in quiet mirth as they rain destruction down upon the dirty brown people of far off lands, and that we are, in fact, the source of jobs, investments, prosperity, and a welcome benefit to mankind and its quality of life.

It’s hard enough as it is to tread against the mindless current of the media and popular leftist business-hating culture.

You’re starting to fuck it up for all of us. Think about what you’re doing, man.

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Celebrity douchebags Shia LeBeouf, Ronkko & Turner have put up a website and art installation at the Museum of the Moving Image in New York, which is basically a rolling feed of other douchebags repeating “He will not divide us” as a protest to the election of President Donald Trump, who took the oath and was sworn in earlier today. They plan to run it for 4 years, or until their wishes come true and democracy is thrown out in favor of some fucked up pre-school logic system where the guy you cheer for always wins and everyone gets a trophy just for showing up.

No, he will not divide us. You fuckwits are dividing us just fine without his help by protesting the democratic process.

Get over it.

Get a haircut.

Get a job.

Since the taboo has been broken and it’s no longer considered gauche to start running for President 2 years before the actual election, I have decided to announce my candidacy for the President of the United States of America.

My platform: Let’s fix our shit.

Yes, I am a pretty staunch anarchocapitalist but I am also pragmatic in my knowledge that most people are just food tubes looking for people to tell them what to do. What is plaguing the place is that you food tubes have been given delusions of grandeur and the resulting class warfare is making those of us who support your sorry asses a tad irritable, to say the least. So instead of nuking the entire site from orbit and starting over, I will do the following to get things sorted back out:

My first act upon taking office will be to throw all caution to the wind, and, unlike all previous presidents, I will not be a whimpering pussy and wait until the last moment of the last minute of the last day of my tenure to issue pardons; the Presidential pardon is the ultimate check and balance in the system and it has never been used. Yet.

I will immediately create an office to issue pardons to all people convicted of the following “crimes:”

  • Tax evasion. This will pretty much gut the IRS and force reforms to the tax code which not even the IRS, admittedly, can make sense of.
  • Drugs. What you put in your body is none of the government’s business. You’d think they would have learned from Prohibition. No more people need to die over plants you can grow in your backyard.
  • Prostitution. There are no victims, except the people in jail.
  • Money laundering. If it’s OK for the feds to do it, it’s OK for Joe the Plumber.

My second act in office will be to immediately cease all external military actions, close all foreign military bases, and bring every soldier home where he belongs. Let other countries sort their own shit out. The world will need to become a very civil place very quickly. If they don’t want to be, that’s fine; we’ll be OK right here on our own dirt, with the entirety of the world’s angriest jarhead army defending the home court.

I will then assign the most pacifist, uncooperative assholes I can find to positions like the Secretary of State, and intentionally make it hard for people to reach them. I will scramble the phone number directories on a regular basis.

Every member of Congress will then be rounded up by my own private army (what to do with all those soldiers?) and be implanted with tracking devices that the American people can watch on a public website. Their houses will be wired for Reality Television, the shows aired on cable, and the proceeds rolled back into the paying off the public debt.

The White House will also be wired up for Reality Television. I will fill it with rock stars and porn stars, and the Playboy Mansion will have to be condemned as “being too square” in comparison. As I am unmarried, there can be no ridiculous scandals about who I screw, and it will be televised anyway. The profits from this cable channel will also be rolled back into paying off the public debt. Instead of picket signs, the White House fence will be festooned with a garland of bras and panties.

All of my Secret Service will be replaced by women, and they will then be renamed my Victoria’s Secret Service. I will parade around the world collecting massive speaking fees simply to show up as an international sex symbol with babes hanging on my arms. These fees will also be rolled back into paying off the public debt. I believe that over 4 years’ time, the Sexy President (TM) franchise will be a significant monetary machine and a tremendous public asset.

I will then spend the rest of my Presidency actively vetoing every last piece of paper that comes across my desk, firing all the losers I can fire, trimming fat where I find it, and doing absolutely nothing else to endanger the health and wellbeing of the American people.

Maybe I’ll take up golf.

And, if that works for you, I’ll run again 2 years before my term is over.

Remember, vote for ExpatBob in 2016!

Obama wackiness

Posted: December 6, 2013 in News, Stupidity
Tags: , , ,

The opportunity gap in America is now as much about class as it is about race, and that gap is growing.
~Barack Obama, Dec 4, 2013, Remarks by the President on Economic Mobility

So says the first black president of the United States, during a speech about minimum wage. They’ve been playing sound clips of this part on the radio again and again and again, but nobody has commented, so far as I know, about what I pulled from it.

Here is a black man who was elected to the most powerful office on the planet, telling people that they cannot get ahead because of their race. I find that to be more than stupid. Exponentially.

One might think that the majority has moved beyond racial discrimination, and his presence in the White House is living proof. But then he says this.

I brought this up among folks and was instantly called a “jealous hater” by one black female present. Then I asked her, “If you were the first woman to be elected President of the United States, would you go on TV and complain that there is a lack of opportunity for women in this country?”

To which she had no answer, put on her angry face, and left.