Posts Tagged ‘extreme mental retardation’

Celebrity douchebags Shia LeBeouf, Ronkko & Turner have put up a website and art installation at the Museum of the Moving Image in New York, which is basically a rolling feed of other douchebags repeating “He will not divide us” as a protest to the election of President Donald Trump, who took the oath and was sworn in earlier today. They plan to run it for 4 years, or until their wishes come true and democracy is thrown out in favor of some fucked up pre-school logic system where the guy you cheer for always wins and everyone gets a trophy just for showing up.

No, he will not divide us. You fuckwits are dividing us just fine without his help by protesting the democratic process.

Get over it.

Get a haircut.

Get a job.


Don’t let anyone try and tell you that corporations and businesses create jobs.
~ Hillary Clinton

You are a pompous, arrogant ass, Hillary Clinton. And either you have fallen hook line and sinker for the crap that you are spewing from every orifice, or you have become such an excellent automaton that we can no longer tell that you don’t believe a single word that comes out of your mouth.

If light bulbs ran on lies, we could solve the world’s energy problems right in Washington.

This fine February, I find myself in need of paying HOA Nazi tribute back on the Death Star. And so, I asked the head HOA Nazi, Gemeinschaftsleiter Frau Darth Murrischegesicht, if she had any modern convenient options to pay. As in modern, convenient things like PayPal, which has been around since 2000. But no, the Frau is still using coal-powered steam engines to crank her rusty brain, and has no use for modern conveniences like PayPal. She does, fortunately, know how to use email.

So instead, to satisfy her bureaucratic urge for paper, and in accordance with all things legal and convenient, I sent her an emailed scan of one of my bank checks, filled out properly.

“I can’t do anything with this,” Frau Murrischegesicht declared.

“Sure you can. According to the U.C.C. codes, articles 3 and 4, this here is a negotiable instrument, cashable at any bank with an IQ higher than dirt. In fact, it contains more information than that required under the definition of a negotiable instrument. For your convenience.”

And so the good Frau went in and tried.

“They looked at me like I had horns, and told me they couldn’t do it,” Gemeinschaftsleiter Murrischegesicht cried.

“Well, uh…” I began, and, thinking better than to confirm the horns theory, told her, “Look, I can write the same information on a cocktail napkin or a sheet of plywood, and they can cash it. They may be resistant to the idea, but it is a legally valid negotiable instrument. Clearly they can see it is a bank check, so all they need to do is put it into their system manually as if the magnetic number strip doesn’t read in their machine. It’s the same. I assure you. Literally and figuratively the same.”

I wondered why I have more knowledge about the US banking system than the bank manager, when I have never worked as one, but alas, those are stories for another day. I must again, instead of doing something productive, spend my time now educating some moron on his job responsibilities and required job knowledge. Essentially doing his job for him and walking him through it.

Ah, but then they decided to exercise their right to refuse to take it on the basis that they reserve the right not to do business with someone they find disagreeable. The law and the proper way be damned! This is suspicious behavior, trying to pay for something from abroad! Why, nobody ever has to do that! It’s un-American! You must be a terrorist! Money launderer!

You are spending 8 hours of your time to launder a whopping $253.44! Wow, maybe if I keep doing it for another 100 years I can make it profitable!

Seriously, the absurd level of fear in the USA is beyond my understanding. And it’s getting in the way of me conducting my day-to-day affairs. Not just fear of retribution from regulators, but on up the bureaucratic food chain to fear of retribution lest someone somewhere be actually declared a terrorist or money launderer and their whole world comes crashing down. So when someone comes in with a 100% legal, 100% valid item that is even a slight bit different than what the mindless automatons working in the bank see every day, they flip the fuck out.

So now, I must find a different way to cash a paltry fucking $253.44 from Chile. Fortunately, Frau Murrischegesicht has uncustomarily waived the late-fees until we figure out some other, more shady, method.