Posts Tagged ‘election’

Ha

Posted: January 21, 2017 in Humor, News, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

trumphillaryNot much more to say about that.

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Celebrity douchebags Shia LeBeouf, Ronkko & Turner have put up a website and art installation at the Museum of the Moving Image in New York, which is basically a rolling feed of other douchebags repeating “He will not divide us” as a protest to the election of President Donald Trump, who took the oath and was sworn in earlier today. They plan to run it for 4 years, or until their wishes come true and democracy is thrown out in favor of some fucked up pre-school logic system where the guy you cheer for always wins and everyone gets a trophy just for showing up.

No, he will not divide us. You fuckwits are dividing us just fine without his help by protesting the democratic process.

Get over it.

Get a haircut.

Get a job.

Since the taboo has been broken and it’s no longer considered gauche to start running for President 2 years before the actual election, I have decided to announce my candidacy for the President of the United States of America.

My platform: Let’s fix our shit.

Yes, I am a pretty staunch anarchocapitalist but I am also pragmatic in my knowledge that most people are just food tubes looking for people to tell them what to do. What is plaguing the place is that you food tubes have been given delusions of grandeur and the resulting class warfare is making those of us who support your sorry asses a tad irritable, to say the least. So instead of nuking the entire site from orbit and starting over, I will do the following to get things sorted back out:

My first act upon taking office will be to throw all caution to the wind, and, unlike all previous presidents, I will not be a whimpering pussy and wait until the last moment of the last minute of the last day of my tenure to issue pardons; the Presidential pardon is the ultimate check and balance in the system and it has never been used. Yet.

I will immediately create an office to issue pardons to all people convicted of the following “crimes:”

  • Tax evasion. This will pretty much gut the IRS and force reforms to the tax code which not even the IRS, admittedly, can make sense of.
  • Drugs. What you put in your body is none of the government’s business. You’d think they would have learned from Prohibition. No more people need to die over plants you can grow in your backyard.
  • Prostitution. There are no victims, except the people in jail.
  • Money laundering. If it’s OK for the feds to do it, it’s OK for Joe the Plumber.

My second act in office will be to immediately cease all external military actions, close all foreign military bases, and bring every soldier home where he belongs. Let other countries sort their own shit out. The world will need to become a very civil place very quickly. If they don’t want to be, that’s fine; we’ll be OK right here on our own dirt, with the entirety of the world’s angriest jarhead army defending the home court.

I will then assign the most pacifist, uncooperative assholes I can find to positions like the Secretary of State, and intentionally make it hard for people to reach them. I will scramble the phone number directories on a regular basis.

Every member of Congress will then be rounded up by my own private army (what to do with all those soldiers?) and be implanted with tracking devices that the American people can watch on a public website. Their houses will be wired for Reality Television, the shows aired on cable, and the proceeds rolled back into the paying off the public debt.

The White House will also be wired up for Reality Television. I will fill it with rock stars and porn stars, and the Playboy Mansion will have to be condemned as “being too square” in comparison. As I am unmarried, there can be no ridiculous scandals about who I screw, and it will be televised anyway. The profits from this cable channel will also be rolled back into paying off the public debt. Instead of picket signs, the White House fence will be festooned with a garland of bras and panties.

All of my Secret Service will be replaced by women, and they will then be renamed my Victoria’s Secret Service. I will parade around the world collecting massive speaking fees simply to show up as an international sex symbol with babes hanging on my arms. These fees will also be rolled back into paying off the public debt. I believe that over 4 years’ time, the Sexy President (TM) franchise will be a significant monetary machine and a tremendous public asset.

I will then spend the rest of my Presidency actively vetoing every last piece of paper that comes across my desk, firing all the losers I can fire, trimming fat where I find it, and doing absolutely nothing else to endanger the health and wellbeing of the American people.

Maybe I’ll take up golf.

And, if that works for you, I’ll run again 2 years before my term is over.

Remember, vote for ExpatBob in 2016!

Bachelet wins Chilean presidency

Posted: November 18, 2013 in News
Tags: , , ,

Michelle Bachelet has won the election with 46.6% of the votes, followed by Evelyn “7-11” Mattei with 25% of the votes.

Not that it matters much; every single one of the candidates was left-center. Republicrats. Vote for anyone get the same. Sound familiar?

So now we get to see what magic hat they will pull “free” education from. Oh, it’s not a hat. It’s your own pockets! What a surprise. Sound familiar?

google-chile

And not just the election rhetoric!

Trash collectors in Chile have been on strike. It started in Valparaiso and spread to Santiago. Over the past week the trash has been piling up and getting out of hand. Ever street corner has a mini mountain like this one.

Smells just as bad as it looks.

Smells just as bad as it looks.

The same crap happens in Uruguay every year around Christmastime and the opening of high season, as the trash men there try to make it as inconvenient as they possibly can in the hopes they get a pay raise. Here, the strike comes right before the presidential elections, either in the hope that the current president gives them a generous parting gift of higher wages (not likely) or, more likely, it is all an orchestrated event banking that Michelle Bachelet, the new more left-leaning president they hope to elect, uses it as an opportunity to give lip service not only to the socialist cause but also uses it to look magnanimous and problem-solver-esque. Because she dropped the ball on all the other initiatives she did in her last term, like FUBAR’ing public transportation and FUBAR’ing the post-quake reconstruction.

ExpatBob’s infinite wisdom is as follows (and this worked in Curitiba, Brazil, by the way): Fire all the garbage collectors and post a reward per bag of trash brought to the dump. Every square inch of Santiago will be spotless within a few days, will remain so for the forseeable future, and there will never be garbage strikes ever again.

 

Sunday movie review

Posted: October 28, 2012 in Life
Tags: , ,

Since there’s nothing to do today (literally, the whole city is shut down, save for supermarkets, for the municipal election) I’ll write about a few of the movies we’ve seen lately.

“Wasting Away,” also known as “AAAh! Zombies!” is a cheesy but funny low-budget zombie film with a unique twist on the genre which is used for much comic relief. Worth seeing for zombie fans. I rate it 3.5/5 on the Bob-O-Meter.

“Fase 7” is an Argentine suspense/horror movie about a disease outbreak and the perils that ensue in an apartment building during quarantine. Excellent dialogue, good humor, good characters. I rate it 4/5.

“Fahrenheit 451,” the original 1966 film adaptation. I give it a stinker 1/5. Maybe it was shagadelic for its day but sitting through it was like getting a root canal. Read the book instead.

“Being Elmo” is an excellent documentary. It just goes to show that if you stick to your goal of excellence and strive to get off your ass, you can get anywhere you want to go. Also nice to see another artistic person who was tormented by his peers who “just didn’t get it” succeed, and now he sleeps comfortably in his bed made of money. Bob-O-Meter: 5/5.

“Cocaine Cowboys,” “Cocaine Cowboys 2,” and “Square Grouper” all by Raconteur productions, tell stories about the Florida drug trade in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. Simply amazing the stuff that people used to get away with. Bob-O-Meter: 4.5/5 average for all 3.

“Mr Nice”: the story of Howard Marks. While we’re on the drug-smuggler kick, this also proved to be an interesting movie. Based on his biography, which I have not yet read but am told is much better and more colorful. I look forward to reading it. Bob-O-Meter: 4/5

NetFlix is dangerous. Kind of like Tivo…

 

Voting in the USA?

Posted: October 1, 2012 in Humor, Stupidity
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Just a reminder. Even though nothing will really change no matter which clown is elected, do you really want to vote to support this?