Iron Man 3: The Castration of Tony Stark

Posted: April 29, 2013 in Stupidity
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

iron_man_3_movie-wide

I went to see Iron Man 3 today with DiverBob. It’s kind of neat being able to see it here in Chile ahead of the US release. Not sure why it is set up that way. Maybe to get opinions for last-minute edits for the US cut? Or to hear opinions of other markets ahead of time? Well, here’s my opinion and it isn’t good, movie marketing people. You have produced an irreparable turd.

I hadn’t high hopes as most movie sequels, especially sci-fi and superhero films, suck rotten ass. The latest SpiderMan movie, for example. I couldn’t even get through it, it was so terrible.

I really liked the first Iron Man movie. Robert Downey Jr plays an excellent Tony Stark: arrogant, quick-thinking, and resourceful. He is a man’s man, a lady’s man, and unashamed capitalist. Everyone wants to be him, and everyone wants to be with him.

The second movie was more of the same, though the revenge-crazed villain was a bit tired. What was more important about the second movie was the furtherance of the relationship between Tony and Pepper Potts. There was an interesting dynamic between them, as Tony’s personality and habits grate against Pepper’s nurturing/caring attitudes and ignite sexual tension.

The third Iron Man, however, was a complete reversal of the old Tony Stark, and not for the better. A man who once fought tanks and fighter jets and fearlessly threw himself with reckless abandon into violent conflicts is now somehow turned into a wavering jello bowl upon the mere mention of his experiences fighting aliens in New York (from Avengers). Despite his actions fighting Thor and Loki. The man can fearlessly fight Gods yet somehow has to pull over to the side of the road from panic attacks? Give me a break.

Somehow the feminazis, who ruined James Bond in Quantum of Solace, were not content with that act of vandalism, and felt the need to turn Tony Stark into a crying pussy.

Not only this, but during the fight against the terrorist kingpin at the end of the movie, Tony is unable to beat him and then is somehow saved by a superpowered version of Pepper, who, when not 5 minutes earlier, was too scared to jump for her life from a dangerous fall, and now somehow has miracle fighting skills enough to waste the bad guy. And to top it off, in both a symbolic and literal castration of Tony Stark, she drives her fist through the heart of one of Tony’s remote-control Iron Man suits in order to deactivate it.

The movie ends with Tony destroying all of his hard work and dreams as a symbol of his subordination to Pepper, much to her approval. Again, symbolic and literal castration of the man. “Yes, woman, to devote myself to you, I hereby throw away everything that has brought me success, brought you security, and literally saved the world. I throw away my interest in doing good, I throw away interest in providing as a man, and oh, by the way, you are also in charge of the business now.”

Other things I disliked about the movie were the frailty of the suits– In the first movie, Iron Man could take a direct hit from a tank shell, and in this movie he gets knocked to pieces from nothing. Repeatedly. What a shame. Gee, Tony, the bitches have turned you and your fantastic technology into useless junk.

The action sequences were great, and I especially liked the scene where Tony Stark is saving the people falling from Air Force One. Not only were the scenes creative and well-done, but they show Tony Stark being a hero, instead of a complete pussy. But it’s not enough to redeem the damage done by the rest of the movie. No, Tony, you are no longer worthy of the title Iron Man. Not Iron, not Man. You’re now Jello Pussy.

Seriously, feminazis, what the fuck?

RIP Tony Stark.

I have some better names for it:

  • Iron Manservant 3
  • Iron Maiden 3
  • Iron NonGynoAmerican 3
  • Iron Pussy 3
  • Iron Eunuch 3
  • Quantum of Solace 2
  • Jello Pussy 3
  • Fuck you feminazi bitches for ruining another of my heroes 3
Comments
  1. SKBob says:

    Saved me a couple of bucks. Thanks! Did you ever think of writing PSAs?

  2. Expat Bob says:

    Ahhhhh…. sarcasm! 🙂

  3. SKBob says:

    Sarcasm? Moi?!

  4. SKBob says:

    I posted a link to your review on my motorcycle club forum. Like most biker forums, in addition to endless arguments about oil and tires, there is active discussion of entertainment and politics. Turns out one of my biker buddies, a college professor, is also a comic-book nerd. Who knew? His reply was informative.

    His non-sarcastic comments follow:

    “Feminazis, really?

    What man hasn’t moderated his behavior in the pursuit of a woman? Fess up, guys. You know you have.

    Tony Stark suffering post-traumatic stress is straight out of the comic books from years ago. As there’s nothing original in Hollywood is this really all that surprising? And Pepper wearing the armor and going all badass, yeah, that’s from the comics too. But I buy the argument against that more, because as Stark said in the first movie, *he* is Iron Man. It’s not the suit, it’s him. If anyone could wear the suit (and over the years in the comics several people have) and be Iron Man then we really should cut off Tony’s balls and be done with it.

    The Mandarin (the villain in the comic and the new movie) is supposedly overlaid with lots of ancient Chinese magic. If Hollywood in their unoriginality preserved that idea (which I kind of doubt, given the changes they made to Thor) I can buy Tony’s armor being easily trashed. Just wave your hands and say it was magic. Oh well, I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.”

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