Archive for April, 2013

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I went to see Iron Man 3 today with DiverBob. It’s kind of neat being able to see it here in Chile ahead of the US release. Not sure why it is set up that way. Maybe to get opinions for last-minute edits for the US cut? Or to hear opinions of other markets ahead of time? Well, here’s my opinion and it isn’t good, movie marketing people. You have produced an irreparable turd.

I hadn’t high hopes as most movie sequels, especially sci-fi and superhero films, suck rotten ass. The latest SpiderMan movie, for example. I couldn’t even get through it, it was so terrible.

I really liked the first Iron Man movie. Robert Downey Jr plays an excellent Tony Stark: arrogant, quick-thinking, and resourceful. He is a man’s man, a lady’s man, and unashamed capitalist. Everyone wants to be him, and everyone wants to be with him.

The second movie was more of the same, though the revenge-crazed villain was a bit tired. What was more important about the second movie was the furtherance of the relationship between Tony and Pepper Potts. There was an interesting dynamic between them, as Tony’s personality and habits grate against Pepper’s nurturing/caring attitudes and ignite sexual tension.

The third Iron Man, however, was a complete reversal of the old Tony Stark, and not for the better. A man who once fought tanks and fighter jets and fearlessly threw himself with reckless abandon into violent conflicts is now somehow turned into a wavering jello bowl upon the mere mention of his experiences fighting aliens in New York (from Avengers). Despite his actions fighting Thor and Loki. The man can fearlessly fight Gods yet somehow has to pull over to the side of the road from panic attacks? Give me a break.

Somehow the feminazis, who ruined James Bond in Quantum of Solace, were not content with that act of vandalism, and felt the need to turn Tony Stark into a crying pussy.

Not only this, but during the fight against the terrorist kingpin at the end of the movie, Tony is unable to beat him and then is somehow saved by a superpowered version of Pepper, who, when not 5 minutes earlier, was too scared to jump for her life from a dangerous fall, and now somehow has miracle fighting skills enough to waste the bad guy. And to top it off, in both a symbolic and literal castration of Tony Stark, she drives her fist through the heart of one of Tony’s remote-control Iron Man suits in order to deactivate it.

The movie ends with Tony destroying all of his hard work and dreams as a symbol of his subordination to Pepper, much to her approval. Again, symbolic and literal castration of the man. “Yes, woman, to devote myself to you, I hereby throw away everything that has brought me success, brought you security, and literally saved the world. I throw away my interest in doing good, I throw away interest in providing as a man, and oh, by the way, you are also in charge of the business now.”

Other things I disliked about the movie were the frailty of the suits– In the first movie, Iron Man could take a direct hit from a tank shell, and in this movie he gets knocked to pieces from nothing. Repeatedly. What a shame. Gee, Tony, the bitches have turned you and your fantastic technology into useless junk.

The action sequences were great, and I especially liked the scene where Tony Stark is saving the people falling from Air Force One. Not only were the scenes creative and well-done, but they show Tony Stark being a hero, instead of a complete pussy. But it’s not enough to redeem the damage done by the rest of the movie. No, Tony, you are no longer worthy of the title Iron Man. Not Iron, not Man. You’re now Jello Pussy.

Seriously, feminazis, what the fuck?

RIP Tony Stark.

I have some better names for it:

  • Iron Manservant 3
  • Iron Maiden 3
  • Iron NonGynoAmerican 3
  • Iron Pussy 3
  • Iron Eunuch 3
  • Quantum of Solace 2
  • Jello Pussy 3
  • Fuck you feminazi bitches for ruining another of my heroes 3

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It seems that the Paraguayan embassy in Santiago is as elusive as Bigfoot. I have to get some documents legalized there and so I began my search on The Google.

The first address that comes up turns out to be an abandoned office in a dark building downtown, with decor that looks like it belongs in a 1940s film noir hard-luck detective movie. This is the kind of door that shows the silhouette of a woman in distress, knocking; a few moments later it swings open to reveal a sexy dame who promptly lights up her cigarette and pours out her lies as she begins her process of ruining the detective’s life more than it’s already been ruined. Maybe the door has been kicked in a few times; definitely seen a crow-bar or two. I look through the crack between the door and the frame, and there is nothing inside. Empty office.

I go back outside into the bustle of downtown. I cough in the smog-heavy air and the diesel fumes, and light up my own cigarette. The smoke washes away the city, clearing my lungs. Ahhhhh, much better.

I didn’t really smoke, but I should have to keep with the theme.

So I got my gumshoes walking to try the second address. Sure enough there is a Paraguayan flag in front. Nice-enough looking house. Signs point to go around the back. Around said house, in the pool house, is the consulate.

I go in, and it’s clean and orderly. Smells good. The nice girl at the desk greets me, and I sit down to present my papers like a good worker drone. Sharp fees, USD$95 per document, not payable to the consulate directly. I will have to go to the bank, and do a deposit in dollars, and bring the deposit slip back. But not today. Today after 12:00 the receiver of papers turns into a pumpkin, their inbox turns into a pumpkin, and a field of dense and unmovable spacetime forms around them which completely forbids any submission of documents until the next morning.

No sense in leaving these for pickup later tomorrow then?

No.

Because leaving papers-that-are-ready, today, to be processed tomorrow, so I only have to come back once tomorrow, and they only have to see my ugly face once tomorrow, is an act of efficiency and logic that is entirely unwelcome in a bureaucratic office. So I shall just have to bless them with my unique and sunny presence twice more.

As I shriek inside my head “Why, God, WHY?!?!??!!?!” I smile and nod and save up Postal Points for later when I go on the rampage which will be echoed throughout eternity by generations of fearful and fascinated historians. Vlad the Impaler will be forgotten and I shall be his replacement.

So tomorrow I shall need to wash, rinse, repeat, and make sure to shove the papers into the black hole before it closes.

And good riddance I say.

WASHINGTON — With shouts of “Shame on you!” echoing in the chamber, the U.S. Senate failed to muster sufficient support Wednesday for a gun-buyer background check bill that’s supported by nearly 90 percent of Americans. (editor note: no, it’s not really 90%. More like 90% of Berkeley granola Birkenstockites asked in the poll who are already known to hate guns. Huff propaganda)

It also voted down other key measures and counterproposals, defeating a string of amendments in a series of procedural votes that likely doomed any major legislation to curb gun violence. (source: Huffington Post)

And of course the tired, overused us-versus-them media mantra will be recited: it’s the evil gun lobby, and the evil republicans, and the evil extreme-right.

Obama expressed his dismay:

“All in all, this is a pretty shameful day for Washington. The American people are trying to figure out — how can something that has 90 percent support not happen?”

What the American people are trying to figure out is why, when Congress has an 11% approval rating (ie: 90% disapproval rating) they are still breathing our air? Don’t throw stones in your glass house, man.

The “American People” obviously didn’t want this to go through, and their representatives were apparently too scared to counter that opinion. Even people like Democrat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who voted against the bill, despite his impassioned Senate floor speech about how “I will vote for Dianne Feinstein’s assault weapons ban.”

Us vs. Them, my ass. Maybe Americans have seen enough of their rights taken away, and they are not interested in seeing more. Too bad they are not reclaiming the ones they have lost in the last few years. It’s also a shame that when 90% of the people are unhappy with the system, the system persists and is made stronger. Really, people, you are so much more aligned than you think. Stop listening to the media polar opinionmongering. If 90% of the population cooperated for 24 hours, you could wipe the slate clean. Think about that.

If you take away guns, we’ll use knives and bats. If you take away those, we’ll use our hands. If you take away those, we’ll use our stumps. You cannot legislate violence away, because it’s always going to be around.

The solution: arm up for defense, and don’t be an asshole.

The New Zealand Minister of Customs, Maurice Williamson, said on a morning radio show that he is “very afraid” about what 3D printers will do to border security.

To which I say, “Good.”

You see, the ability to send a file through the internet and have it printed anywhere a printer physically exists is (a) what the world needs, and (b) something that will make invisible lines in the dirt (ie: nation-states) irrelevant. And something that, as a result of that, will make politicians irrelevant. Which is their worst fear.

If you follow the math of his statement, Maurice Williams is “very afraid” that he will be made irrelevant by 3D Printers.

To which I say, “Good.”

Because that’s all that politicians, statists, and their associated sycophants really deserve.

Clearly, Minister Williams knows all there is to know about 3D Printing, because I am super-extra-sure he had a good background education in engineering and technology, and has his own 3D Printer in his house… right.

“If people could print off … sheets of Ecstasy tablets at the party they’re at at that time, that just completely takes away our border protection role in its known sense,” he says.

Riiiight… well, first, I say, “GOOD!” followed by “You moron; you should know, in your vast experience with 3D Printing, that people can’t even print a burrito or waffle yet, and making drugs in crack labs is still by far more profitable than engineering a 3d printer to do it. AND… cake icing here and major slap-in-the-face: if they can get all the ingredients that go into Ecstasy pills and know the chemical processes necessary to make the stuff in the first place, what the hell do they need a 3D Printer for???”

A machine to make pills from paste is much simpler than a machine to print stuff in 3D. Unless you wanted a giant Ecstasy pill shaped like Yoda.

Why don’t you just come out and say that you’re afraid, and that you want everyone else to be more afraid than you, so you’ll appear to be relevant?

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On a somewhat backwardly-related note, I have been chatting with Chilenos online in an effort to (a) understand their culture better, and (b) improve my Spanish, though “improving” it may be a bit of a stretch as most other Spanish speakers declare Chilensis to be the worst of the worst (like comparing the Queen’s English to West Virginia Redneck).

Anyways, one of the things that keeps coming up from both myself and the recipients of my quite excellent Spanish skills, is the student protest movement. This group of rabblerousers impeded my ability to walk home the other day due to a massive demonstration a block away from where I live. I was quite angry with them. In addition, their destruction of property in the past hasn’t won them any of my sympathy. To add icing to the cake, their demonstrations have shut down public transit which has delayed or completely impeded the arrival of workers helping with my apartment renovation several times, delaying things and costing me money. The cherry on top: I have been the recipient of their lovely second-hand tear gas 3 times so far, and so I now award them with the prize of Official ExpatBob Contempt (TM).

“Derechos Humanos (Human Rights!),” they shout. Bullshit. You have no RIGHT to education. Education is a service. Having a RIGHT to someone else’s SERVICE? There’s a word for that: SLAVERY, and we did away with it because it violated the most basic of basic human rights.

So what happened to my Derechos Humanos to walk peacefully without being obstructed, hassled, and shaken down? Fuck you, Chilean students. And Up Yours, border controls and customs (poor segue, but hey, whatever. You get blog rants for free).

Chilenos complain about their expensive crappy education, and they want someone else to pay for their expensive crappy education. Why not just go buy it from somewhere else (or get it for free on this newfangled thing called The Internets and The Google).

I have always wanted a Ferrari. And so in order to get one, I do not go to the Ferrari dealership and start smashing things and protesting that I want a Ferrari and how dare they deny me access to their fine cars, the greedy capitalist pig-dogs! Derechos humanos!

But no, instead I work hard and save up, and maybe someday I will decide that I can’t take it all with me so what the hell, I’ll go for it, buy that Ferrari, and be that old fart douchebag with hot chicks you can’t afford in the awesome car you can’t afford. Until that moment, however, I peacefully long for my Ferrari and its requisite gold-digging bikini girls. Because this is the way it should be– if you want something, you save for it. If you can’t afford to buy it yourself, you probably don’t need it. That’s the peaceful way to get something done: do it your damned self!

Korea’s Nukes

Posted: April 6, 2013 in Humor, News, Stupidity
Tags: , ,

It’s probably nothing new to NorteAmericanos who have likely been listening to nonstop fearmongering on their choice of polarized news channels up there: North Korea has nuclear weapons and wants to use them on the USA. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

I fail to see how a nation which cannot fuel its own generators and trains can send an army across the ocean, but go ahead and start digging your bomb shelters if you’re truly afraid. Remember to duck and cover! That will help, surely.

But even if by some miracle their plywood boats, windup tanks, and paper airplanes managed to make it across, just what is it that they are destroying?

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This morning, Bitcoin topped $100 for the first time. Will it last? Nobody knows, but it’s definitely a sign of its growing popularity. Its latest rise has certainly attracted investors and technology innovators who are making tools for greater accessibility and usability, which only helps add to its popularity and usefulness.

Who’d have thought that in a world where every government is racing to the bottom of the barrel through currency inflation, a small opensource project to create a digital currency would experience explosive hyperdeflation? That’s what happens when you remove government meddling from the picture.

Go, go, mighty Bitcoin!

 

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